hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
