it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
