I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
