Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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