I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Come see our sink grown plant.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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