Your dad touched me again.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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