for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
