Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We talked him into tasing himself.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
