I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
