Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
