I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
