The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
