now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We just shotgunned beers for America
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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