I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
