she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
