You can't motorboat a personality
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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