He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My bed smells like the plague
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
