Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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