I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
