she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
