On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize