After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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