How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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