If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
