don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
