He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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