real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
