I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
