I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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