Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
