I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
