How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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