I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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