i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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