She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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