John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
