I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize