Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
