dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
