1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
dude. I can hear the air.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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