I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
