oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Randomize
