Your face is a jimmy john
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize