i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
