you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
