I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
