The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
