finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
