My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
