Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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