It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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