last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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