just tell him i said nine months
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize