I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
