he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
