dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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