Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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