When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize