So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
