My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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