i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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