Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Come on in and take your pants off
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