its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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