the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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