Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
