So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
